Mental Masturbation
Or is it vomiting thoughts into one’s own mind? In any case, I have no one to talk to again… Tried bullshitting around on IRC, but that gets shitty really fast. Its rather funny that the only “social” interaction I really get is while playing online PC games. For example, back in March, April, and May, I didn’t leave the house at all - because of my house arrest. And the only interaction I had with anyone was through online gaming - well, I talked to my ex-girlfriend some then, but that was really the end of it all when she stopped communicating with me. Now that I goto college, I get a bit of interaction with people, but its nothing really personal, its just either talking to a teacher in class or some very brief words with another student in class. I suppose it would help if I actually made some “friends” or acquaintances at least, but how the hell am I supposed to do that? Most of the other people are younger than me, and then theres the whole prison thing, and the fact that I’m not much of a consumer of popular culture or interested in most of what passes for “entertainment” for most people. Et cetera…
I don’t fucking know, but its not like this is anything unusual for me. I mean, it is different in the set of circumstances, but outside of the immediate context, its nothing new. Fuck, I did over 6 years straight in segregation in prison… But my whole life I’ve always been alone. This is something of a transitional time for me, so I don’t know.
In any case, I don’t feel like playing the PC games, even though Quake Wars finally just shipped and I’m in the Crysis MP beta, and I haven’t finished Bioshock - or a few of the other games on my HD. And internet pr0n is probably even more devoid of any lasting value (just ignore that Sasha Grey “Naughty Bookworms” torrent downloading in the background and the Liz Vicious torrent I haven’t even watched yet thats sitting on my HD). Books, I have books to read, but considering how much non-stop reading I did while in prison, I’m kind of giving that a little rest - excluding my daily internet news browse and school crap. Obviously it would be nice to meet some person/persons who actually contribute something of serious value to my life, but my experience has shown that that is a pointless endeavor. I mean, I’ve not completely ruled it out, but yeah, its rather unlikely I surmise. And the only other option would be some more worthless, bullshit interpersonal “relationships”, but I suppose even trivial relationships would add something. One would hope, anyway…
And I can barely even leave the house, much less the state or country (or planet, or galaxy, or universe…), not that I’d have any goddamn money to leave and survive even if I could. Hey, at least I’m out of prison and going to college, I’m doing pretty damn well overall considering the circumstances, but that cannot erase the constant emptiness of existence…
Update 9:55pm: Ha, and here comes “Long View” by Green Day on iTunes…
