Gregory Koger

Another month, still not much in the way of clarity on any of these issues that have been holding me back from getting some concrete plans together for the next few months. The only thing that has been cleared up is the fact that I’m not off parole, and that means waiting another 4 months until December to possibly get off. And thus I’m stuck in the situation I am now.

Having known that I’m stuck on parole for almost a month now, I still haven’t found out whether I’m going to get the writing job at my college or not. And I still don’t know if I’m getting financial aid to start classes that I haven’t even signed up for when the semester starts in less than 3 weeks. Not knowing if I’m going to get the writing job precludes me from signing up for classes, because the job requires a writing center class on Thursdays - and the Computer Science class that I’ve been waiting a year to finish up the goddamn make-up math prerequisites for overlaps the writing class on Thursdays. So, if I do get the writing job, then I can’t take the Computer Science class. If I don’t get the job, then I can take the CS class and probably Precalculus (or else College Algebra and Trigonometry). And math is my worst subject, relatively speaking.

Financial aid told me that they hadn’t sent me a letter concerning what amount of aid I would be getting because they don’t know if I’m taking full time or part time classes, and the reason I haven’t signed up for any classes (other than having the writing job and parole uncertainty) is because I didn’t know if I was getting financial aid to pay for them. Because I have no money and I can’t attend any classes if I don’t get financial aid, it seemed kind of stupid to sign up for classes and incur an obligation to pay over $1,000 when there’s no way I could pay it. So it basically has been this circular pattern of waiting - the school was waiting for me to sign up for classes, and I was waiting for the school to tell me if I was going to get financial aid before I signed up for classes. And I’m waiting for the college administration to decide if my prison past is going to stop me from getting the job that the supervisors of the Writing Center want to hire me for.

Aside from that, at least I’ve been getting out and doing some important work. Being stuck in this living situation though makes it difficult to be as involved as I’d like to be, as I have to travel back and forth, pay for gas, find a place to spend the night, etc.

But as far as the college situation goes, I can’t help but continually think that I’m wasting my time sitting in classrooms learning next to nothing - and certainly not accomplishing anything that is going to lead to the fundamental changes in society that need to occur. I could have learned far more in the last year if I had spent my time sitting in my room reading books the entire time, as I used to do in prison. The only real positive and beneficial aspects of attending college have been the opportunities to meet the few people that I have and interact with other people. Coming from over a decade in a prison cell and over six years straight in segregation, having some human contact and conversation is very welcomed and necessary for me to try to adjust to “regular society.” Other than that, I certainly could have learned far more on my own. But society is based on stupid pieces of dead trees that say you have this or that degree, that you’ve had these or those grades, and that you have certain connections or recommendations. For instance, the only reason I’m having the opportunity to get the writing job at my college is because my English professor my first semester recommended me for it (many thanks once again, Melany).

So, in terms of doing things in “regular society,” its kind of necessary (or at least helpful) to continue with the whole college thing. Plus, as my cousin has told me several times, its kind of dumb to stop going to college if they are paying for me to go there. And the writing center job really does seem like a great opportunity and is really about the only reason that I’m looking forward to the next semester in college.

However, there is more to all of this than simply “fitting in” with “regular society” on some level. First of all, I’ve been an outcast and an outlaw my entire life. “Society” never gave a fuck about me. I’ve never had much of any significant interpersonal relationships with anyone. The ruling class of this society felt that my only worth and use to this society was to be thrown in a prison cell for decades before I was even 18 years old. The parole board (none of whom have ever met me or spoken to me a day in my life) doesn’t want me to be off of parole, even though the only contact that I have with their institution of repression is through 5 minute monthly visits from my parole officer - who wanted me to get off parole, and is the only reason I had a chance to possibly get off within the last couple months and the only reason I may have that chance again in December. In fact, I wouldn’t even be sitting at this computer writing any of this right now if the original sentence I received from “society” had remained in effect - I would still be sitting in a prison cell until 2012 at the very least. And the only reason I’m out of prison now is because various laws I was sentenced under were passed unconstitutionally. Neither the police, prosecutors, or judge I had on my case wanted me to be here writing any of this right now. And to them I must extend a warm, sincere and heartfelt expression of my esteem: fuck you You can read some of the ruling class media coverage of my case here: People v. Koger Media Coverage . Needless to say, it contains numerous inaccuracies, but you can get some sense of what passes for “journalism” in this area: uncritically parroting police and prosecutorial propaganda without any investigation or question.

Beyond that, I’ve never held an “intellectual” job. I’ve never held much of any “real” job, even though I’ve been working in this capitalist economy since the age of 7 or 8. Unless you want to count the little “newspaper” (The Daily Bark) that I started and produced with my cousin Jennifer when I was about 10 years old. My adoptive parents are barely literate and held menial jobs their entire lives. I suppose the closest to an intellectual “job” I’ve had was when I first went to prison and got my GED - I received the highest score on the GED they had seen in many years and the GED teacher wanted me to be a teacher’s aid in the GED class. Now at that point, I was very much opposed to any form of working for the people that were holding me captive, but the teacher had been nice to me and I took the job for a few days because I respected him. I ended up going to seg for some shit within a few day of getting the job though. But anyhow, coming from a proletarian background and working as a manual laborer for the only jobs I have had, its rather unusual to go into a job such as this.

To use a phrase that I’ve been called out on recently, I don’t know. And the larger issues of my life beyond the immediate next few months are in a similar void of uncertainty. As far as human relationships go, I have met a few friends recently, which is good. But… despite some hope for more significant possibilities, here I sit, as usual, alone.

I want to just be able to push out forward into life, unburdened by these legal restraints and living restraints, and try to get started! Despite having no money, if I wasn’t on parole I could just leave, take a few of the meager possesions I have and head out on a journey into the unknown. I wouldn’t even fucking care, just go, walk or drive, take a bus or train or plane, but just fucking go and find out… Maybe the carnival still awaits me. But god-fucking-damn, I want to go, move forward, make some decisions and travel on.

UPDATE: 8-6-08 - Haha, of course… I won’t be finding out the outcome of the writing job before next week because the person who is in charge of HR has taken the week off for vacation. How convenient. So, now I either have to just sign up for a bunch of classes and then drop them if I get the writing job, or else wait till next week and then possibly find out that I’m not getting the goddamn job anyway and then be even further behind and possibly unable to get into the classes I need to. That is if the classes aren’t filled up already, right now.

You know, shit starts to look like its picking up, then just stalls out in another wave of uncertainty and unreached hopes. Oh, and I got an A in my Geometry class - pffft. This whole college thing is feeling like more and more of a joke.

- Signed up for my classes. If I get the writing job I’m probably gonna have to drop the Computer Science class, unless I can work something out with the instructors, becuase the CS class is from 1pm - 2:50pm Tuesday and Thursday and the Intro to Writing Center Theory and Practice class I have to take as part of the job is Thursday from 2pm - 4:45pm. Goddamn 50 minute overlap. Maybe I can just miss those 50 minutes, or randomly switch between which class I miss part of each week depending on whats happening in the classes.

So… now I have to see if/how much financial aid I’m gonna get, and if I’m gonna get this writing job. Having waited so late before the semester started to sign up has left me out of Precalculus, and the College Algebra/Trigonometry classes still open are both at night. So I will just skip math this semeseter - yay! At least now I may finally get into the Computer Science class, which has been basically the only reason I’ve taken the make-up math courses and why I initially wanted to even goto college period. I’m actually hoping that even if I do get the writing job that I can work it out with the instructors so that I can take both the CS and Writing Center class, and just do something about the 50 minute overlap.

Ah well, finally some amount of clarity on the next 4 months. Hopefully by next week I will know about the financial aid and the writing job. Then I’ll be pretty well set up for the next 4 months, and will then be waiting for December to see if I’m gonna get off fucking parole. But as to the longer-term future, damned if I know what the fuck I’m going to end up doing… I’m just moving through the best possible options that I have in the immediate term for now.

Once I get off parole though, I’ll have alot more options - I won’t be stuck in this living situation, I can conceiveably go anywhere on the planet and do anything I choose. Where the hell I want to go and what the fuck I want to do seem to be the long-term unaswered questions. And then I’ll have to once again address the existential questions underlying most of this shit. Significant revolutionary change is about the most concrete long-term goal that I know I am going to be working on, but the details and everything else are still uncertain.

Probably the most fundamental issue that I’ve struggled with my entire life is that of being alone. Alone in a pointless existence. Thus the many questions relating to that must be dealt with. Don’t think I’m any closer to answers on that one. Could be farther away from any answers on that than I have been. Dunno, experiences are tricky, I suppose they can push you father away and bring you closer to things at the same time. The multidimensionality of things is something I’ve come to accept and appreciate. But that doesn’t necessarily make things easier.

Ah well, I’ve been writing a lot here in the past couple days. Don’t know (yes I said it again) if any of this says anything or brings me any closer to understanding it, but at least I’ve been able to get some of my thoughts out. Maybe I need to get back into (ha, start?) my writing. Yeah, I’m a writer who barely writes anything