Walls Concrete and Corporeal

This college bullshit is really starting to grate on my nerves. Busywork homework, sitting through hours of nearly pointless classes where next to nobody responds to questions or even makes an attempt to discuss anything, etc. etc. etc. I rather doubt I’ll be going back next semester, unless I don’t get off parole in December and I’m stuck in this shitty situation for another year. I’m probably still getting A’s (or close to it) in all my classes except one - Psychology. The professor assigns weekly homework papers that consist of writing our “questions or concerns” on certain topics, then combing through the book or an article to find “obstacles to clear thinking.” So I’ve reverted to my usual course of action when presented with complete bullshit homework assignments - not doing them. And like 30% of our grade in that class is just doing these stupid homework assignments.

Our midterm test consisted of a paper on “nature vs. nurture,” wherein I was supposed to present evidence for both sides of the argument, and I refused to write about some bullshit that is scientifically outdated: namely, the very concept of “nature vs. nurture.” So I wrote the paper basically refuting the very premise of the question, and pointing out that science recognizes that both “nature” and “nurture” are interconnected factors - sometimes referred to as “nature through nurture” or similar names. The way genes and biology express themselves are highly dependent upon and influenced by environmental factors. So I got 100% on that, with comments like “Excellent Paper, well written and documented” etc. etc. But there were two other sections to the test, one to compare and contrast psychological definitions, which I got a score of 13 out of 15 on, and then the bullshit “obstacles to clear thinking” section, where we had to go through a one page article and find these stupid “obstacles” - I got a 6 out of 15 on that, and therefore got a B on the total test, even though on the actual paper I got 100%. And since I haven’t been doing the bullshit homework assignments, that class isn’t looking too good. I mean, I can probably still pull off a “gentleman’s C” or even a B, but I doubt I’ll get an A even if I started doing all of the bullshit homework assignments.  Looks like that 4.0 GPA will be over with too, not like it ever mattered. I mean, if I actually just did the bullshit I could probably get an A, but its extremely difficult for me to submit to doing things that I consider to be complete bullshit.

My parole officer is supposed to put me in to get off parole in December, so that is just over a month from now. And that is the main thing that’s been holding me back. I really need to get off parole, I don’t think I can deal with this situation for another year. I need to start my fucking life. Even though I’m strongly going to want to just head out on a long drive into the unknown, I’m probably going to try to get set up in Chicago and get a lot more involved in revolutionary work. That I definitely need to do, but then there is the whole needing-money-to-survive-in-this-system thing, and I’m going to have to put some serious work into iPhone software development and/or try get a shitty job somewhere just to bring in some income. Without school to worry about, that should give me more time to focus on that. I’m still considering applying to UIC for next fall, but… I’ll probably just apply and see what happens, even though I don’t think I can waste my time in college any longer.

Making sense of things you haven’t really dealt with in your entire life is difficult. Spending all of your life in a prison cell doesn’t leave one with much experience in dealing with and understanding social interactions and relationships with other people, especially women. Throw attraction into the mix, and it just complicates things even more… Besides getting myself started in life, set up with a place to stay, and doing revolutionary work, I need to get some experience with relationships. Frankly, and to put it extremely fucking lightly, it gets a little old living a life devoid of any meaningful human contact, whether it be just friends, or lovers, friendly exchanges or romantic. Despite wanting something as seemingly mundane to most people as a caring embrace, not having that for most of you life… And trying to make interpersonal relationships, and then feeling like your attempts have been wasted… Several years ago I was at the point of giving up on human relationships altogether. I’m not exactly at that point now, but after trying seemingly unsuccessfully, it makes you want to just say fuck all that shit. But its always the contradiction, between desperately wanting something like that and the reality of never having it…

“I hate and love,

And if you ask me why,

I have no answer, but I discern,

can feel, my senses rooted in eternal torture.”

- Catullus

UPDATE - 10/25/08 - I should be going to an important event in New York on Making Revolution in the USA, but since I’m on parole I can’t leave the state and am stuck here. 47 more days till my parole officer puts me in to get off parole again though. I need to get the fuck out of here, I need to start my fucking life unburdened by the looming threat of being immediately sent back to a prison cell without even a modicum of the farce of the “legal protections” afforded by the legal system.

I need to make a lot of decisions soon, and getting off parole is going to determine what exactly I’ll be able to do. This will probably be the last semester of college for me, I’ve wasted enough time in that soul-sucking shithole of an “educational” system. Where exactly I’m going to be going is a little more up in the air than I had previously thought, as is what I’m going to be doing. Aside from just getting myself a place to stay and some of the much hated filthy lucre required to survive in this society, making some kind of interpersonal relationships is something that I need to do - even though I have a very poor track record of making any progress on that front. But, as far as my personal life goes, unless I’m just going to say fuck human relationships altogether, I have to keep trying, no matter how hard it is to see your efforts wasted time and time again. You get your hopes up, and try perhaps too hard, and then have to accept the fact that nothing is going to come from your attempts. I guess its just a matter of finding people who genuinely like you or are interested in you and not continuing to make attempts with people whose actions belie their claims.

Aside from the personal bullshit that I’ve had such a hard time dealing with my entire life, the matter of primary importance is getting a lot more involved with revolutionary work.

So… 47 more days, then another month or so of waiting to hear the outcome, and then - who the hell knows? But as long as I get off parole, I’ll have a lot of options and then just have to make the goddamn decisions about where I’m going and what I’m going to do.

Posted in Thoughts
Tags: 100%, 4.0 GPA, cell, college, iPhone, iPhone software development, Making Revolution in the USA, nature, New York, nurture, paper, parole, parole officer, prison, psychology, relationships, revolution, revolutionary work, test

People Make The World Go Round

Human beings are highly social creatures -  I don’t believe accepted science would refute that. Coming from a life experience devoid of much social interaction, I’ve still tried to make meaningful human relationships.

There was one point, after numerous years in prison and while serving an indeterminate period of segregation, that I was nearly at the point of giving up on the notion of human relationships entirely. I met and started corresponding with someone at that point, and that lifeline really is the only reason I made it through the rest of my years in seg and prison without giving up on humanity altogether. Ultimately, that relationship disintegrated without much of any explanation. But it brought me through the most crucial point in terms of making it through years of extreme isolation in prison.

Since that time, I’ve met quite a few good people, have some friends online and in real life. I actually know a relatively good number of people, and rather regularly talk to them. Plus I sit in a classroom in college most days, though I don’t really know or talk to many people there.

Perhaps my ideas of interpersonal relationships are skewed or unrealistic, but despite my attempts to make real, substantial human relationships I always seem to get stuck with what seem to me to be superficial acquaintances. I suppose you can’t “force” people to like you or be friends with you, maybe I just try too hard… And there are different “levels” or degrees of friendship. But I don’t seem to have made any really substantial friends or lovers in my entire life.

Maybe its just the nature of human relationships to wax and wane, to flourish for a while then die as people move on in their lives. But it seems like my attempts don’t get very far.

I’ve been alone my whole life, I’ve dealt with that reality since I was a small boy. I don’t feel like recounting the fucking details here again, but I know what its like to be alone, and not just alone but to feel the lash of anger and to be a convenient target for others to unleash their frustrations and agendas upon.

Ultimately, we all have to accept the fact that we are alone in this existence. When the time comes, and the moment is upon me to end this existence, that is something I have to face alone. Everyone dies alone, no matter if they are surrounded by a multitude of loved ones or not. That would certainly not be my experience, even if I wanted it - I have no loved ones. I came into this existence unbidden and unwanted, and I must make my own peace with this life.

I vividly remember reading a story in the newspaper while I was in seg in prison, about a homeless man (whose name I am ashamed to admit that I don’t remember) who was found dead in Chicago. And I realized that if I had died just then in that prison cell, my fate would have been the same. Some anonymous, unknown, irrelevant criminal giving up my last breath in the abode of the forgotten living dead.

Would things be any different now, several years later? I think not.

UPDATE - 10/4/08 - Goddamn, had a shitty dream. I was out of prison, seemed like it was now, and I was going to court for some cocaine case that an officer in Stateville had set me up with while I was still in prison. The case was like 6 or 7 years old, but for some reason I was still going to court for it. Anyhow, the judge, who was the same one as on my original case for some reason (even though if this really happened, I would have been going to court in Will County since that is where Stateville is at), sentenced me to multiple years in prison - he said several different sentences, 18, 16, 12 years, something like that. But it was never really clear what the exact sentence was, and for some reason they let me leave the court with my attorney instead of taking me into custody right then - I guess it was something to do with the sentence, as the judge wasn’t exactly clear on what it would be. So I walk out of a courtroom, knowing I’m going back to prison for multiple years. And the plans began, cause I sure as fuck wasn’t going back. Eventually I woke up, looked at my phone and it was 4:20pm But goddamn, that felt too real before I woke up.

Eh, maybe thats what I get for watching the movie Straight Time the other night I actually first saw that movied when I was in Stateville, and then read the book that it was based on - No Beast So Fierce - when I was on my resentencing in 2000.

Just over 2 more months and my PO is supposed to put me in to get off parole again. I need that, I need to be able to get the fuck out of here. This college shit is so much bullshit - pointless, busywork homework assignments that are pissing me off to no end this semester. I need to get serious about this iPhone software development. Need to do something to make some money. I just want to get the fuck out of here. I don’t know that things would necessarily be better elsewhere, but at least I’d be living more on my own terms. Getting off parole is just the major thing.