People Make The World Go Round

Human beings are highly social creatures -  I don’t believe accepted science would refute that. Coming from a life experience devoid of much social interaction, I’ve still tried to make meaningful human relationships.

There was one point, after numerous years in prison and while serving an indeterminate period of segregation, that I was nearly at the point of giving up on the notion of human relationships entirely. I met and started corresponding with someone at that point, and that lifeline really is the only reason I made it through the rest of my years in seg and prison without giving up on humanity altogether. Ultimately, that relationship disintegrated without much of any explanation. But it brought me through the most crucial point in terms of making it through years of extreme isolation in prison.

Since that time, I’ve met quite a few good people, have some friends online and in real life. I actually know a relatively good number of people, and rather regularly talk to them. Plus I sit in a classroom in college most days, though I don’t really know or talk to many people there.

Perhaps my ideas of interpersonal relationships are skewed or unrealistic, but despite my attempts to make real, substantial human relationships I always seem to get stuck with what seem to me to be superficial acquaintances. I suppose you can’t “force” people to like you or be friends with you, maybe I just try too hard… And there are different “levels” or degrees of friendship. But I don’t seem to have made any really substantial friends or lovers in my entire life.

Maybe its just the nature of human relationships to wax and wane, to flourish for a while then die as people move on in their lives. But it seems like my attempts don’t get very far.

I’ve been alone my whole life, I’ve dealt with that reality since I was a small boy. I don’t feel like recounting the fucking details here again, but I know what its like to be alone, and not just alone but to feel the lash of anger and to be a convenient target for others to unleash their frustrations and agendas upon.

Ultimately, we all have to accept the fact that we are alone in this existence. When the time comes, and the moment is upon me to end this existence, that is something I have to face alone. Everyone dies alone, no matter if they are surrounded by a multitude of loved ones or not. That would certainly not be my experience, even if I wanted it - I have no loved ones. I came into this existence unbidden and unwanted, and I must make my own peace with this life.

I vividly remember reading a story in the newspaper while I was in seg in prison, about a homeless man (whose name I am ashamed to admit that I don’t remember) who was found dead in Chicago. And I realized that if I had died just then in that prison cell, my fate would have been the same. Some anonymous, unknown, irrelevant criminal giving up my last breath in the abode of the forgotten living dead.

Would things be any different now, several years later? I think not.

UPDATE - 10/4/08 - Goddamn, had a shitty dream. I was out of prison, seemed like it was now, and I was going to court for some cocaine case that an officer in Stateville had set me up with while I was still in prison. The case was like 6 or 7 years old, but for some reason I was still going to court for it. Anyhow, the judge, who was the same one as on my original case for some reason (even though if this really happened, I would have been going to court in Will County since that is where Stateville is at), sentenced me to multiple years in prison - he said several different sentences, 18, 16, 12 years, something like that. But it was never really clear what the exact sentence was, and for some reason they let me leave the court with my attorney instead of taking me into custody right then - I guess it was something to do with the sentence, as the judge wasn’t exactly clear on what it would be. So I walk out of a courtroom, knowing I’m going back to prison for multiple years. And the plans began, cause I sure as fuck wasn’t going back. Eventually I woke up, looked at my phone and it was 4:20pm But goddamn, that felt too real before I woke up.

Eh, maybe thats what I get for watching the movie Straight Time the other night I actually first saw that movied when I was in Stateville, and then read the book that it was based on - No Beast So Fierce - when I was on my resentencing in 2000.

Just over 2 more months and my PO is supposed to put me in to get off parole again. I need that, I need to be able to get the fuck out of here. This college shit is so much bullshit - pointless, busywork homework assignments that are pissing me off to no end this semester. I need to get serious about this iPhone software development. Need to do something to make some money. I just want to get the fuck out of here. I don’t know that things would necessarily be better elsewhere, but at least I’d be living more on my own terms. Getting off parole is just the major thing.