Walls Concrete and Corporeal

This college bullshit is really starting to grate on my nerves. Busywork homework, sitting through hours of nearly pointless classes where next to nobody responds to questions or even makes an attempt to discuss anything, etc. etc. etc. I rather doubt I’ll be going back next semester, unless I don’t get off parole in December and I’m stuck in this shitty situation for another year. I’m probably still getting A’s (or close to it) in all my classes except one - Psychology. The professor assigns weekly homework papers that consist of writing our “questions or concerns” on certain topics, then combing through the book or an article to find “obstacles to clear thinking.” So I’ve reverted to my usual course of action when presented with complete bullshit homework assignments - not doing them. And like 30% of our grade in that class is just doing these stupid homework assignments.

Our midterm test consisted of a paper on “nature vs. nurture,” wherein I was supposed to present evidence for both sides of the argument, and I refused to write about some bullshit that is scientifically outdated: namely, the very concept of “nature vs. nurture.” So I wrote the paper basically refuting the very premise of the question, and pointing out that science recognizes that both “nature” and “nurture” are interconnected factors - sometimes referred to as “nature through nurture” or similar names. The way genes and biology express themselves are highly dependent upon and influenced by environmental factors. So I got 100% on that, with comments like “Excellent Paper, well written and documented” etc. etc. But there were two other sections to the test, one to compare and contrast psychological definitions, which I got a score of 13 out of 15 on, and then the bullshit “obstacles to clear thinking” section, where we had to go through a one page article and find these stupid “obstacles” - I got a 6 out of 15 on that, and therefore got a B on the total test, even though on the actual paper I got 100%. And since I haven’t been doing the bullshit homework assignments, that class isn’t looking too good. I mean, I can probably still pull off a “gentleman’s C” or even a B, but I doubt I’ll get an A even if I started doing all of the bullshit homework assignments.  Looks like that 4.0 GPA will be over with too, not like it ever mattered. I mean, if I actually just did the bullshit I could probably get an A, but its extremely difficult for me to submit to doing things that I consider to be complete bullshit.

My parole officer is supposed to put me in to get off parole in December, so that is just over a month from now. And that is the main thing that’s been holding me back. I really need to get off parole, I don’t think I can deal with this situation for another year. I need to start my fucking life. Even though I’m strongly going to want to just head out on a long drive into the unknown, I’m probably going to try to get set up in Chicago and get a lot more involved in revolutionary work. That I definitely need to do, but then there is the whole needing-money-to-survive-in-this-system thing, and I’m going to have to put some serious work into iPhone software development and/or try get a shitty job somewhere just to bring in some income. Without school to worry about, that should give me more time to focus on that. I’m still considering applying to UIC for next fall, but… I’ll probably just apply and see what happens, even though I don’t think I can waste my time in college any longer.

Making sense of things you haven’t really dealt with in your entire life is difficult. Spending all of your life in a prison cell doesn’t leave one with much experience in dealing with and understanding social interactions and relationships with other people, especially women. Throw attraction into the mix, and it just complicates things even more… Besides getting myself started in life, set up with a place to stay, and doing revolutionary work, I need to get some experience with relationships. Frankly, and to put it extremely fucking lightly, it gets a little old living a life devoid of any meaningful human contact, whether it be just friends, or lovers, friendly exchanges or romantic. Despite wanting something as seemingly mundane to most people as a caring embrace, not having that for most of you life… And trying to make interpersonal relationships, and then feeling like your attempts have been wasted… Several years ago I was at the point of giving up on human relationships altogether. I’m not exactly at that point now, but after trying seemingly unsuccessfully, it makes you want to just say fuck all that shit. But its always the contradiction, between desperately wanting something like that and the reality of never having it…

“I hate and love,

And if you ask me why,

I have no answer, but I discern,

can feel, my senses rooted in eternal torture.”

- Catullus

UPDATE - 10/25/08 - I should be going to an important event in New York on Making Revolution in the USA, but since I’m on parole I can’t leave the state and am stuck here. 47 more days till my parole officer puts me in to get off parole again though. I need to get the fuck out of here, I need to start my fucking life unburdened by the looming threat of being immediately sent back to a prison cell without even a modicum of the farce of the “legal protections” afforded by the legal system.

I need to make a lot of decisions soon, and getting off parole is going to determine what exactly I’ll be able to do. This will probably be the last semester of college for me, I’ve wasted enough time in that soul-sucking shithole of an “educational” system. Where exactly I’m going to be going is a little more up in the air than I had previously thought, as is what I’m going to be doing. Aside from just getting myself a place to stay and some of the much hated filthy lucre required to survive in this society, making some kind of interpersonal relationships is something that I need to do - even though I have a very poor track record of making any progress on that front. But, as far as my personal life goes, unless I’m just going to say fuck human relationships altogether, I have to keep trying, no matter how hard it is to see your efforts wasted time and time again. You get your hopes up, and try perhaps too hard, and then have to accept the fact that nothing is going to come from your attempts. I guess its just a matter of finding people who genuinely like you or are interested in you and not continuing to make attempts with people whose actions belie their claims.

Aside from the personal bullshit that I’ve had such a hard time dealing with my entire life, the matter of primary importance is getting a lot more involved with revolutionary work.

So… 47 more days, then another month or so of waiting to hear the outcome, and then - who the hell knows? But as long as I get off parole, I’ll have a lot of options and then just have to make the goddamn decisions about where I’m going and what I’m going to do.

Posted in Thoughts
Tags: 100%, 4.0 GPA, cell, college, iPhone, iPhone software development, Making Revolution in the USA, nature, New York, nurture, paper, parole, parole officer, prison, psychology, relationships, revolution, revolutionary work, test