Don’t Dream It’s Over

My parole officer is going to put me in to get off parole again in about 30 days. He said the only thing that might stop me from getting off is the charges I went to prison for. So, another couple months of the waiting game before I can figure out what the hell I’m going to do with my life.

I really don’t see how I can waste another year on parole before I can start my life - I’ll deal with that if I have to. But if I do get off parole, it looks like I will probably move to New York. I mean, it seems like a great opportunity, of course revolutionary work is of paramount importance in the larger scheme of things. The only other thing, and the thing that presents a much more difficult challenge for me, is the personal.

It seems bitterly ironic that I’m trying to work towards a whole different world of social and economic relations, yet for all of my life I’ve had next to no significant interpersonal relationships with other people. And going to New York will just put me in the midst of an even greater number of millions of people surrounding me while I remain isolated and alone. I’ve really tried to struggle with this, social relations with others, whether or not its just in the nature of existence to have to fundamentally accept being alone.

I mean, I think yes, ultimately we all are alone and have to end this existence alone. But… does that mean that there can’t be or are no real, significant interpersonal relationships with other people along the way? And just because my experience in life has been devoid of much of any, that obviously doesn’t seem to be the case with other people. So… what the fuck?

Overall I think it will definitely be a good opportunity, but dealing with the lack of interpersonal relationships has really been troubling me lately. Then I would be going to a whole new city where I know next to no one - not that I really know much of anyone here. I just feel like I’ll be even more isolated then. Ha, its seems rather ridiculous to feel that I’d be more isolated in New York than I have been for all the years I’ve spent in seg in prison. But I’ve had this conversation before, and even though I was in a much more sensorily deprived environment in seg in prison, when I got out of prison and had to do a year on house arrest it was almost more socially isolating because at least in prison (for better or worse) I was surrounded by hundreds of other people. Not that I got to see them really, or interact with them besides hearing them, but I was around people. And while I was on house arrest, I was alone in my room most of the time, and the only “social” interactions I got were online, and then later at college when I started going there while I was on house arrest. And my life now isn’t much different - still only get some minimal interaction with other people in class, or online, or when I’ve gone out a few times with some friends to clubs or bars or whatnot, and while doing revolutionary work. I don’t know, even with some attempts to make some more significant interpersonal relationships recently, none of that has seemed to change.

Anyhow, 30 days, then probably a month more of waiting, then maybe I’ll finally be off this shit and can start my life - perhaps in New York. I just need to make some kind of significant interpersonal relationships, because being alone is getting rather old. And I’ve already been at the point of giving up on all of that altogether once. I’m not at that point now, but I’m really tired of being alone all the time…

- When I was 15 years old, and we were in the process of losing our house, I was sent to live with my cousin and aunt, where I had to either ride my bike or walk a considerable distance home from school most days - probably took over an hour by bike, close to 2 hours walking. The exact distance, according to Google Maps, is 6.5 miles. I promised myself then, after numerous days of riding that bike, sometimes in pouring rain, that I’d never ride a bike again. Since my car crawled to its final death on the side of the expressway last weekend, I found myself breaking that promise today. Riding that same bike, after 15 years without oil or grease, a fucked up and half-flat back tire, and half the gears that won’t shift, 30 minutes each way for the same purpose - to sit in a worthless classroom for several hours. It’s extremely hard to believe that I’m reliving that same shit 15 years later…

The only good thing to come of it is that I found out how atrophied my leg muscles were from sitting in a segregation cell for numerous years, and the house arrest and barely getting out of the house. Aside from throwing around some dumbbells over the summer, I don’t get much exercise, so giving my legs a good workout is probably the best thing to come of the experience. Wow, I can’t fucking believe I’m doing this again, especially since I know now exponentially more than I did then how much of a complete waste of time it is for me to be sitting in a classroom. And I’ve already accepted and decided that I’m done wasting my time in college after this semester…

Here is the promised Books to Prisoners tv show video. I was going to do some editing of it, but its up on YouTube already so I’ll just post that one here: